Nonfiction: Stuff White People Like: A Definitive Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions

Author: Christian Lander, 2008
Genre: Humor, Satire
Format: Ebook, 309 pages

I wish I could just list all the hilarious quotes from the book right here. But I am afraid by doing that I might breach some copyright laws or disrespect blogging gods or something. So maybe I will just post only the exceptionally good paragraphs that made me laugh and cry at humanity’s insanity. The concept of the book is great. Basically, the author takes hipster bashing to the whole new level and puts together an alarmingly long list of things that we believe make us unique as individuals. After finishing the book I can conclude that no, we are not unique little snowflakes, but a bunch of brainwashed consumers failing at finding the individuality Western world is so proud of. And we are pretty damn hilarious at doing that. So what do white people like, you may ask?

1. Coffee
[…] it is a certainty that the first person at your school to drink coffee was a white person. It was obvious they didn’t enjoy it, but they did it anyway, until they liked it – like cigarettes. […] White people are given extra points for buying Fair Trade coffee, because paying extra $2 means they are making a difference while their peers are drinking liquid oppression.

6. Organic Food
[…] white people believe that organic food is grown by farmers who wear overalls, drive tractors, and don’t use pesticides. In spite of the fact that most organic food is made by major agribusiness, which just uses it as an excuse to jack up prices, white people will always lose their mind for organic anything. Never mind that if the entire world were to switch to 100 percent organic food tomorrow there would be mass starvation and famine.

8. Barack Obama
White people like Barack Obama because they are afraid that if they don’t they will be considered racist.

18. Awareness
An interesting fact about white people is that they firmly believe all of the world’s problems can be solved through “awareness” – meaning the process of making other people aware of problems, magically causing someone else, like government to fix it. This belief allows them to feel that sweet self-satisfaction without actually having to solve anything […].

40. Apple Products
The simple answer: Apple products tell the world you are creative and unique. They are an exclusive product line only used by every white college student, designer, writer, English teacher, and hipster on the planet. […] It is also important that white people are reminded of their creativity; remember, you need a Mac to creatively check email, creatively check websites, and creatively watch DVDs on planes.

51. Living by the Water
On the East Cost, many white people dream of owning oceanfront property in New England, where they can make their lives as close as possible to a J. Crew catalog.

95. Beards
[…] Don Johnson perfected the stubble look, which is like a regular beard but cut in such a way as to look like you haven’t shaved for few days. It was a success with white people since it was another case of having to do a lot of work to look like you didn’t do any. […] “Look at me. I am manly enough to grow this beard, yet wear glasses, which shows my intellectual and sensitive side. I wear plaid, which shows I’m down with the people, but I also have expensive jeans, which shows that I have taste.

102. Cleanses
In many cultures when someone does not eat any food for days and survives only on a mixture of water, cayenne pepper, and maple syrup they are said to be in the midst of a “famine”. But when a white person does it, they are in the midst of a “cleanse”.

104. Integrity
White people value nothing more in their musicians, artists, writers, directors, photographers, and publications than integrity. […] “Selling out” is when an artist succeeds to the point where they are paid for their work and are exposed to a larger audience.

138. Books
This is because white people need to show off the books they have just read. Just as hunters will mount the heads of their kills, white people need to let people know that they have made their ways through hundreds or even thousands of books.

Ok, I fail. I tried not to quote the entire book, but it’s just so hilarious. It’s funny ‘cuz it’s true, kind of book. True, it is exaggerated and overblown, but it is poking fun of a real tendency in Western cultures to care about the right things for the wrong reasons. Take KONY 2012 campaign for example. Take radical activists splashing paint on fur coats. Our society is obsessed with political correctness, without realizing how much it actually contributes to inequality. Like Morgan Freeman once said, Racism will stop when we stop talking about it. We are willing to overpay for things, because conglomerates say their products are special, all while the same old crap is being divided into two piles and tagged with two different price tags. If you got mad reading these quotes, please take a breather, they are not meant to label or derogate us as a culture (after all, the author himself is white and guilty of many hipster offenses). I even included the quote about books to poke friendly fun of myself and book blogging community. Instead just pick up this little bundle of awesome or even its sequel The Whiter Shades of Pale, and have yourself a night of a living hipster.

2 comments

  1. Jillian ♣ · ·

    Har to the “books” category! 😛

  2. I had to include it!

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